Today I have a guest post, sent in from an anonymous cat, who apparently lives with a witch. Who am I to question this... having my own feline companions, I know enough not to argue.
And if a cat is going to take the trouble to communicate, it's only right to listen attentively. So if you please, enjoy the following life perspective from the view point of a very particular cat.
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Good evening, humans. I am the Witch’s Cat, senior familiar, keeper of secrets, and undisputed authority on matters of taste, conduct, and the proper use of a windowsill. After centuries of observing your species, I have reached a troubling conclusion: you are all trying far too hard.
You rush about. You apologise for things that are not your fault. You entertain people you don't like and answer questions you have no intention of answering honestly. You wear uncomfortable shoes. Frankly, it's exhausting to watch.
Fortunately, I am here to help. If you wish to become more elegant, more mysterious, and considerably less bothered by the nonsense of everyday life, I recommend adopting the following ten principles of feline etiquette. Study them carefully, for I shall not be accepting follow-up questions.
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1. Never Run When You Can Stroll With Purpose
There is a time for running, of course. If a cucumber has appeared unexpectedly, or a ghost has emerged from the pantry, all bets are off. But generally speaking, hurrying suggests that someone else is in charge of your schedule.
Move at your own pace. Enter a room as though you own it. Leave a gathering without explanation. If someone asks why you're late, look at them with mild disdain. You are not required to disclose the details of your journey.
2. Master the Art of Ignoring People With Grace
Not every remark deserves a response. Not every invitation requires acceptance. And not every person who says, "We really must catch up sometime!" needs to be taken seriously.
A cat understands that silence is a perfectly respectable contribution. We can hear you perfectly well. We have simply decided that what you are saying does not merit the movement of a single whisker.
Practise looking just past someone's shoulder while they speak. Occasionally blink very slowly. If absolutely necessary, turn your back and begin washing yourself.
3. Be Suspicious of Anything That Looks a Bit Funny
A new object has entered the room? Why? A perfectly ordinary box has been moved three inches to the left? Interesting. Your human has put unfamiliar food in your bowl? Unacceptable.
The world is full of things that cannot be trusted, including perfectly innocent things that have done nothing wrong whatsoever.
Examine unfamiliar objects from several angles. Sniff cautiously. Poke them when no one is looking. If they make an unexpected noise, retreat to a safe distance and pretend you meant to do that.
This is not paranoia. It is quality control. And safety is paramount.
4. Always Accept a Compliment as Your Due
When someone tells you that you look lovely, simply accept this as a statement of fact. Do not argue. Do not list all the things you dislike about your appearance. And under no circumstances should you respond by explaining that you haven't washed your hair in three days.
A graceful nod will suffice.
I, for example, receive compliments on my magnificent coat daily. I acknowledge them by continuing to sit magnificently. Sometimes I close my eyes, allowing the admirer to reflect upon their good fortune.
Confidence is not arrogance when you are genuinely exceptional.
5. Make Yourself Comfortable, Regardless of Circumstances
If there is a chair, sit in it. If there is a cushion, claim it. If there is a pile of important paperwork on the table, you may assume it has been placed there for your comfort.
Humans have a peculiar habit of preserving furniture for special occasions, wearing clothes that pinch, and sitting on the very edge of a sofa as though expecting an inspection.
Your comfort is not a luxury. It is a matter of principle. If someone objects to your wearing of sweatpants, look at them as though they have said something deeply embarrassing.
6. Never Explain Yourself More Than Once, Or At All
"Why did you do that?"
A tiresome question, usually asked by someone who already suspects the answer and hopes you will provide an apology.
You owe no lengthy explanation for changing your mind, declining an invitation, needing solitude, or deciding that a particular situation is no longer worthy of your presence.
A simple "No, thank you" is sufficient. So is a raised eyebrow. In certain circumstances, so is promptly leaving the room.
If pressed, say that you have your reasons. If pressed further, yawn.
Mystery is a valuable accessory, and it goes with everything.
7. Protect Your Personal Space With Teeth, Claws, or Firm Boundaries
Humans seem to believe that affection entitles them to unlimited access. They hug without warning, ask intrusive questions, and touch things that do not belong to them.
A cat would never tolerate such nonsense.
Establish your boundaries early. You may be warm and affectionate without being available at every hour of the day. You may love someone dearly and still require them to sit on the other side of the sofa.
Should anyone fail to understand, repeat your boundary in a calm, unmistakable voice. You need not actually scratch them. Although, between ourselves, the occasional metaphorical claw is perfectly acceptable.
8. If You Cannot Be Useful, At Least Be Interesting
Every household requires someone who knows things. Someone who notices the strange noise in the attic, the peculiar gentleman who visits the old house at midnight, or the fact that the neighbour's new hedge appears to be whispering.
Cultivate your powers of observation. Read books. Watch the world through a window. Learn the habits of those around you. Take an interest in matters that are none of your business.
And when you have gathered sufficient information, reveal absolutely none of it.
There is no greater social power than being the only person in the room who knows what's really going on.
9. Never Chase Anyone Who Is Running Away From You
This rule applies to people, opportunities, arguments, and the occasional moth.
If someone wishes to leave, allow them. If a conversation becomes unpleasant, excuse yourself. If an acquaintance has decided to misunderstand you, let them enjoy the exercise.
You are not a terrier. You do not need to pursue every passing thing that catches your attention.
Of course, should something interesting move beneath the sofa, you may abandon this principle immediately. Etiquette is important, but so is instinct.
The trick is knowing the difference.
10. End Every Day With a Thorough Washing and a Clear Conscience
Before retiring for the evening, take a moment to attend to yourself. Remove the day's irritations. Reflect upon your triumphs. Consider whether the people around you have behaved in a manner befitting your company.
Forgive yourself for minor errors, such as being unnecessarily dramatic or knocking something off a shelf simply to see what would happen.
Tomorrow is another opportunity to be magnificent.
And if you have spent the entire day accomplishing nothing whatsoever, remember this: I have slept for seventeen hours and achieved a level of personal fulfilment that most humans will never know.
Rest is productive. Napping is an art. And a clear conscience is much easier to maintain when you have never felt obliged to please everyone.
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A Final Word
There you have it, humans. Ten simple rules for a life of greater dignity, stronger boundaries, sharper instincts, and considerably fewer unnecessary conversations.
Will you follow my advice? Naturally, that is entirely up to you. I shall not be offended if you don't. I shall barely notice.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have important business to attend to. There is a suspicious-looking shrub outside, a perfectly good armchair going unoccupied, and someone in the kitchen has opened a tin.
I must investigate.
One can never be too careful.
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